october is almost over

this has been an odd month. i don't know anyone who would say it's been good. i think we've all been pretty stressed. (apparently, i think that the 3 people i talk to ever are indicative of the whole world). it seems that many great people have been going through a lot of personal anxiety lately. and that makes us more selfish than usual. which stresses other people out. and the cycle continues...

i'm talking about me here (although i do think this applies to others as well). i've been upset about all this work stuff. which makes me act like a total baby. i've been overly emotional, and crying way too much. and i've been really selfish and self absorbed. i know that other people are having a rough month, and that in the grand scheme of life, my problems are extremely petty. but my problems have become the center of my life and i'm now blowing them way out of proportion. the other day i called my mom, and cried about my rough week, and was disappointed that she didn't immediately drop everything and come to new york to take care of me. i know she loves me, and worries about me, and doesn't want me to be sad. but i wanted her to make ridiculous displays of her love for me. and to get me ice cream and cook my favorite meals like she did when i was younger. and i was disappointed when she didn't.

so here's the new plan: i'm not going to try to be who i'm not. i do take things really personally. i do invest way too much of myself into my job. i do give way too much to people, even when i don't get it back. and i have ridiculously high expectations of myself and of everyone else. but i'm going to try to take a few deep breaths, take things day by day, and try to put my life back in a more realistic perspective. i am really lucky to have so many great people who have let me be selfish lately. who have listened to my complaints and whining and who have supported my selfish pity party. i'm going to try to be there for them for a change. to think about them and not about me. i'm going to try, at least a little, not to get upset about all the things i can't control right now.

starting november 1st. for the next 2 days, i'm gonna be as selfish as i need to be.

edited to add: there are some people out there who are not having a bad month. they are just incredibly self absorbed. i wish those people would leave my friends (and me to a lesser degree) alone. being selfish, self righteous, competitive with your "friends", and generally too cool for school is lame. no one thinks you're as cool as you do. and that's my "why some people are just lame and not worth my time" story.